Holy Shit! Literally! If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past 4 months it’s that my life now revolves around poop. Just 4 months ago my biggest worry was whether or not I would poop on the table while giving birth (No we will not be discussing this today). Now my worries entail- Is my baby pooping enough? is she pooping too little? Is it the right color? How about the consistency? Not only are these my current concerns, but they dominate my husband and my conversations with each other.
I call my husband at work and he says “hey babe, how are you and how is my little girl” and the response varies from “she’s good, very happy and just crapped her pants” or “kinda fussy, clearly needs to poop but she’s pushing and pushing and no cigar” I mean, it was just yesterday where we called each other from work to discuss happy hour plans. what happened ?!?!?
When you’re pregnant and about to have a baby, you know that there will be plenty of diaper changes in your future. I knew that too. It was going to be so cute - placing my adorable little bundle on the changing table and wiping her little booty and dressing her back up with a big bow on her head. Well you may be surprised to learn that sometimes that poop goes so far up her back it almost reaches the giant bow on her head.
I can remember the first diaper blow out my husband changed. For the men out there that have never changed a baby girls diaper- let me let you in on a little secret- What you see is not what you get. Not all is visible to the naked eye my friends. This was a lesson my husband quickly learned when I walked past him and reminded him to check in between her rolls. Sure enough, many surprises awaited him. Changing a baby girls diaper is like is like navigating a minefield.
But let me tell you all something. Poop is just poop, UNTIL you are traveling on an airplane. Charlie has a real knack for taking an explosive poop at the most inconvenient time. Just a couple of weeks ago, Charlie took her first flight. Fortunately, my mom was with us which helped with the first flight jitters. I of course dressed her in a frilly pajama and a bow because I wanted her to be comfortable (please go to sleep) but life is a runway and you need to look your best. It was a morning fight and Charlie had not gone number 2 in almost 24 hours so I knew we were in for it. There was an hour left in the flight and my mom gave me a look and said, "She is crapping her brains out." It must have been quite the relief because she immediately fell asleep after. HALLELUJAH!!! But, then i looked over and noticed a giant mustard yellow stain on that cute frilly pajama. It was an old plane, there was no changing table, so my mom took my nursing cover to create a barrier between the leaking diaper and my moms pants. When we landed, I immediately went to the bathroom to change her, and I kid you not, the poop was up her entire side. almost reaching her hairline. The ladies in the bathroom were getting a kick out of it.
After our first flight, I thought to myself, "I can handle this." Our second flight was a breeze and everyone had control over their bowels. Which brings us to our third flight. Charlotte and I were trying to get out before a big storm came in so my husband brought us to the airport. I had Charlie in the ergo carrier and while my husband was getting us checked in at the counter, I could feel the rumbles against my chest. Thank you sweet Jesus for telling me to bring a backup outfit. We swiftly made it through security and I put her in her backup outfit since we were 30 minutes into our trip and she already crapped her pants. We got settled on the flight and I was traveling first class (Thank you Nancy for the upgrade). This fact may seem irrelevant but it actually is a critical fact in this story. Charlotte and I are having a nice flight, it's 30 minutes in and the little lady starts ripping it. SERIOUSLY CHARLOTTE? she was already in her back up outfit and we still had over 2 hours left. Right now I would like to give a shoutout to Delta for their first class blankets, because that blanket served as the blockade keeping Charlie's poop all over her pants and not on my white sweater. (who travels with a baby and a white sweater anyways? rookie move). Fortunately breast milk bowel movements don't smell much because she literally sat in her own $h*t for the rest of the flight. At one point I looked at the sweet woman next to me (I was trying to be a courteous seat mate) and I said, "Can you smell anything? My daughter just took a massive crap but I'm all out of backup clothing." She took a large whiff of the air and honestly said, "no, I smell nothing." Thank God. Now, the real kicker is that we had an hour drive to our final destination so when we got off the plane, I took Charlie to the bathroom and essentially had to choose the lesser of two evils. SO I cleaned her up and put her in the original poop outfit because that one was less explosive than the second one. Here is a piece of advice to all you mommy's out there. ONE BACKUP OUTFIT IS NOT ENOUGH....BRING TWO!!
And as if all this poop talk wasn't enough, I have also found that I now have to apologize for my daughters public displays of gas. On the last leg of our trip, we landed in NYC and got into an Uber. My driver was a nice older man. The car was quiet, Charlie was behaving, and the driver and I were having a nice conversation. He was making eye contact through the rearview mirror as he told me about his kids, and his history when suddenly Charlotte start to RIP A$$. Not like a soft little fart. I am talking blowing the house down, machine gun style farts. They sounded like they could not POSSIBLY be coming from a child of that size, so the man is looking at me in the rearview mirror and I can tell he thinks I am letting loose in his car. I panic. Do I throw my child under the bus or let him think i have altitude farts and am super comfortable in his car? BUT THEY KEPT COMING.....so I threw her under the bus. Sorry sweetie (Not that she seemed to mind). I said "I'm so sorry sir, my daughter is very comfortable in your car and is taking a poop." He kindly offered to open the windows as I smiled at my baby while in an annoyingly high pitched voice i said "ohhhh sweet Charlie....where are your manners!! taking a poop in this nice mans car??"
Listen people....all I can say is that $h*T HAPPENS...traveling with a baby is stressful on its own and requires SO MUCH GEAR. So control the things you can control (and as the adult hopefully that includes your bowels), let go of the things you cannot control, and enjoy the ride !